It is not a surprise that I struggled long and hard with my temper. I keep my temper in check the moment I wake up until the time I close my eyes at night. I find it difficult to articulate what is exactly wrong with me. This anger. The feeling of wading through oceans and oceans of conflicting emotions every god-forsaken day really took its toll on me.
It's why I feel that it was unfortunate that I'm born a girl as it made me all the more prone to outbursts. I am resigned to the fact that I am beyond understanding. That I will be forever a puzzle, even to me. A friend once told me that I shouldn't pick fights with my friends knowing that there's so few of them, I could not possibly afford to lose one. I feel the same way though I couldn't do anything much because of my failure to control my temper. I can't seem to let it go and I almost always end up lashing out at the wrong people. It has become a cycle, a sick, sick, tiring and sad cycle. I can feel that when people talk to me, it's like they're walking on a Goddamned land mine. It's one of those moments when I feel really sorry for being this person.
I was thunder-struck with a realization a few days ago. Personally, it's hard to apologize. I've been doing it recently and it's certainly no picnic. More so if you sincerely feel like you didn't do anything wrong in the first place and yet, you apologize for whatever reason. Recent events however, got me springing into action. I guess it took me this much time to think things over and actually start doing something about the problem. It's humbling but it's great, like a damn cloud just lifted.
I am, however, not ready to talk. But I'm making progress. Hell, I must be since I can now write about it. At this point I can say that I'm genuinely okay. There were moments when I'd get so angry because I felt really bad that nobody even bothered to ask me if I'm okay, that people around me just seems to be there out of obligation, that I never took time to really get to know and understand people that surrounds me, that even though I've hung-out with a number of people every waking hour, ultimately I've never been more alone but now I'm cool with it. I've been way too ignorant, much too engrossed with my own selfishness to really see the bigger picture. It is, after all, nobody's responsibility to make me happy. I think I now have a clearer understanding of what to expect from people. Because there's not much to expect (ZING)
Today will be the day that the bullshit ends. (insert resounding "FUCK YOU!" herre)
This does not guarantee that 1) I'll be nicer and 2) that I'm completely loving life. It just means that 1) I'm okay and coping and 2) I'll fix it. Word.
On a totally different subject, I hate being busy as much as I hate being idle. I know, it's a bad case of "Sala sa init, sala sa lamig" kind of thing but I guess being a lazy laid-back person has it's own drawbacks. Seeing that things are looking up, it's hilarious to think that only recently I was neck-deep in sentimental bullshit. Come to think of it, most of the cause of of my problem has something to do with stress. Maybe all I need is some MEH time, hahahaha!
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