Justifying Bad Manners and Wrong Conduct

Mga Bagay Na Nakakasira Ng Araw Ko:

Ilang malalagkit na hair products later, fly-away pa din ang bangs

Di pa nagsisimula ang araw mo, amoy baktol ka na dahil sa init ng 8:00 AM

Pag nalaman mong mali pala sinakyan mong FX matapos kang nag-antay ng 35 years

Pag-nagulangan sa FX (either naunahan sa pila or nakotongan ni Manong driver)

Sobrang traffic sa Ugong. Mas mabilis kung lalakarin papuntang office pero you're like, so tamad

Pag-nadikit ang braso sa malagkit na braso ng isang estranghero

Pag halos makain mo na ang mahabang buhok ng putanginang katabi mo sa lakas ng hangin

Pag-umuulan tapos nabasa ang dulo ng pantalon mo papuntang office

Pag dating sa office nakita mong nauna pa sayu ang boss mo

Nawala ang uma-umagang ritual ng pagyoyosi dahil nauahan ka ng boss mo.

Pag upo sa desk, nadatnan mong bukas PC mo pero nag shut-down ka naman bago umalis kahapon tapos paglingon mo sa boss mo, naka-ngiting aso ang putangina.

Habang nagco-concentrate sa trabaho biglang magha-hang ang PC mong bulok.

10 AM pa lang naka-apat na re-start ka na ng PC, whee.

Biglang magfli-flicker ang ilaw ng monitor, parang Christmas lights... kukuting-tingin ang CPU as if naman alam ayusin

Bigla kang kakanta, di mo alam na malakas pala boses mo tapos nagkamali ka sa lyrics or biglang di kinaya ng vocal cords mo ang birit ni Freddie Mercury.

Titingin sa kamunduhan ng Porno, iisip ng isusulat. Wala nang maisip na synonym sa word na schlong.

Ang internet connection parang dial-up lang ang bagal.

I-scan ang sariling blog, madi-dismaya dahil nakitang andaming typos di man lang napansin.

Kala mo na-master mo na ang WorpPress tapos biglang dumugo ang ilong mo matapos mong i-scan ang HTML codes.

Pag tinatanung bakit mainit ang ulo mo

Word.

WebDate: The Musical

Tina: The Animated Series

Noon:


Tapos, eto naman:
A few days ago, nag-dance number pa ng ganito:


Well, ngayon... Guess who just turned into Santa's Wittle Welper?

That's right, bitches! These were made by a good friend for me. Kamukha ko ba?


Lagut ang mga naughty this Christmas! For I, Santa's Wittle Welper, shall lace thy toys with cyanide and radioactive sago!

Waiting for Christmas...

'Tis The Season For Booty Shakin'

And because Christmas is just around the corner...


I offer to you, my dear readers: The Tina and Elfin Friends Shakes Thy Booties Dance Numbah! Watch it and thank me later.

Fab Four Version:


Smiley Papabols Version:

Asteeeg....

The Reluctant Porn Writer

I have been turning down one offer to do porn reviews after another ever since I worked here (Not telling exactly where "here" is). Y'know, I have nothing against Porn. Don't get me wrong, occasionally I do watch smut (WebDate days) but now I only watch porn when my job requires it (which is not often) Ayuh, I've seen my fair share of smut but that's about it. Frankly, I'm neither repulsed nor turned-on by smut if that's what you're getting at, you dirty boy. I usually turn those offers down not because I'm a tight-assed prude but because it takes a lot of skills to make a decent porn rev. Skills that unfortunately, I gotz none.

Believe it or not, I've always known that I somewhat suck at writing. .

See, I was a porn review writer once, got fired because I pretty much sucked at it, went home to re-evaluate my career choices, licked my wounds *sniff, sniff* then got hired again by another account. The funny part was that it was the first writing gig I ever had and I got burned real bad, paare. Now, most people would say, "So you got burned once, big deal. Give it another go!" Unlike some people I know, who relentlessly brags about being a bona-fhayd "porn writer" and would love to talk about it every chance he/she gets, that's not how I roll.

And let's not forget the bottom line: Porn and I, we don't mesh well.

Anyway, a good friend came knocking on my door and asked me if I want to give porn another try. My initial reaction was to immediately say "No" but he and I go way back and I'm somewhat reluctant to really say no to him cuz he's such a teddy bear (... and persistent and stubborn and has a way of making Porn sound like Utopia, a land of plenty where even very air we breathe smells like monies. Lots and lots of monies.... I love monies... MMmmmMm....) That, plus, he and I are currently working on a project that involves me, my frustrations over work and comics. I'll post the fruit of our labor as soon as he's done with it, yo! Well come to think of it, I do need to find other means to fund my vices...

Damn. What's a girl to do?

The Office From Hell

Quite unexpectedly, I had a very in-teh-resting day yesterday. See, I suddenly felt the need to broaden my horizon by checking out what other opportunities are there for me. I soon discovered how much my present company spoiled me rotten.

I scored an interview somewhere in the Maka-tay area, what fun, right? Well, I was running a bit late for my first job interview in almost 2 years. As soon as I arrived, I noticed that I wasn't nervous at all.

You see kids, Interviews usually makes me jittery cuz there's a high probability that I'd make a total fool out of myself but how curious it is that not a smidgen of nervousness rattled my cold black heart. Hmmm... something's up.

So when I finally went up to this company, I immediately noticed how cramped the prod area was. Everything was new by the way, the pcs, the wall paper (a stark combination of Blue and White, hatez itz) It's too quiet, considering that it's already 5 in the afternoon and horrors of horrors, there's no yosi area (Damn, you Iweb! You ruined me!!!!!)

The in-teh-resting part was not the place but the interview itself. After quickly deciding that I hate the place, I must do everything in my power NOT to get hired. The interview lasted for 30 minutes (methinks) and wala akong ginawa kundi mag-kupal. Mind you, My goal was to sound like a polite ass. Now, you might think I exaggerated a little with my answers, but lemme tell you something: I never exaggerate. Weird lang talaga ang mga tanong. I mean, I don't know if it really has been this long that nag-iba na ang mga usual na questions sa interviews but I don't really recall being asked about menstrual cramps and shit like that in my previous interviews before.

Why did you write: "I'd like to think I'm healthy" on the form?
Tina: Cuz I haven't had med check-up for like, years and years and years. As far as I'm concerened, I'm healthy.

Do you suffer from menstrual cramps?
Tina: I'm sorry?

Y'know, when it's that time of the month when...
Tina: Uh... sometimes?

How do you deal with it?
Tina: Oh I don't know. I ignore the pain?

Good. How about migraine?
Tina: Well yes. There was this time when I worked for *******

What triggers your migraine?
Tina: Uhhh... I don't know. But I heard that coffee and chocolates are the usual culprits.

How did you deal with it?
Tina: Went home and popped a sleeping pill.

Ulcer?
Tina: I do have gastritis...

How severe is it?
Tina: Well, not really a big cause of concern.

Why did you decide to leave your old company?
Tina: I haven't really left. I'm just out here to test the water. Honestly, I have nothing bad to say about the people I work with. If anything, I'm inlove with my company. It's just that I want more money. And a promotion.

You never got promoted?
Tina: I did. The thing was I got promoted but my salary wasn't adjusted because of a loophole in the system. We work in different accounts, that sort of thing. It's kind of complicated to explain. But just the same, I want another promotion. No point going around in circles, don't you agree?

Yes, so... how much do you make?
Tina ********* (snicker, snicker) net.

Such big leap from earning only this much to expect this much salary range?
Tina: Yes it is, yes it is... because I'm ambitious.

Nothing wrong with that. (subtly hid her face using my resume) Is this negotiable?
Tina: Uhh... no.

Oh, non-negotiable?
Tina: Well see, the form says I should put my minimum expected salary range. That's my minimum expected salary range.

We work 6 days a week. We don't observe Halloween and Semana Santa. Plus you can't have your day off on a weekend
Tina: Huh. (Waw, parang Mercury Drugs lang pala dito eh)

Are you okay with that? But even if we do have work on holidays we get paid for it. What about in your company, do you work 6 days a week?
Tina: (mentally screamed: Are you freakin' retarded? Just because you guys work 6 days a week doesn't mean every goddamned company in this side of the world does the same! I hatez youz! I hatez youz! I hatez youz! ) Huh. Well, no. We only work 5 days a week. Frankly, the whole 6 days a week thing doesn't sit well with me since I do visit my parents once or twice a month.

Ah so, your off is on weekends?
Tina: Uh... yeah?

You only get the "privilege" of two days off if you become a regular employee here.
Tina: Huh.

*The End*

Off to the prod area I went. Slaved away on a series of tests for three hours. I sat for three long hours and it dawned on me that nobody and I mean, nobody was talking to each other at all. It was around 7 in the evening and nobody was speaking to each other. Not even Satan himself can get a rise from these guys! Nobody went down for a smoke or bought snacks, nobody was taking their eyes off their monitors and the last straw? Internet was not required.

I suddenly missed my opti-mouse.

Head In The Clouds

Oh, poop. It's only about 10:00 in the morning as I'm writing this and I'm uber bored. Who the fuck gets bored at 10 in the morning?!

Anyhoots, just wanna say I'm writing without enthusiasm, which is becoming more and more often. I updated my blog because I wanted to make it a point to write new posts every Monday (which is too much to handle right now)

Now I think I kinda have an idea while I'm feeling less-than-stellar today. My awesome weekend is to blame. You see, me and a bunch of friends went to Antipolo and celebrated Rhae and Rene's birthday. In between singing our hearts' out, them drinking like a fish and me, eating my way halfway through the core of the Earth, it was fantastic. We even went as far as creating a synchronized-swimming performance. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting for someone to upload the damn video already so that I can show y'all how hard we rock on land and even better, on water, cuntrags!

So now that I'm back in Cubicleland, doing cool stuffs like, picking my nose, flossing my teeth and throwing this: at my FezBuk friends (I know, I know... I'm livin' on the edge, bitches!), I'm bored shitless.

Pardon my lack of witty punchline today. Damn Mondays to HELL!!!!

Pirated Na DVD

Tina: BENNY BAKLA!!! *runs like a "girl", nadapa, tumayo, tumakbo ulit... hides behind a boulder*
Benny: *umiiiyak na parang lalake lang* Huhuhu... pare, making asar me!
Tina: EAT BALLS! *sabay bato ng fish balls sa noo ni Benny*
Tina: *Tas humabol ang hotsauce na nasa garapon pa*
Benny: *Fish ball sinalo ng bunganga ko*
Tina: *Hot sauce sinalo ng itlog ni Benny*

********

Tina: I still wants me some donuts! Make libre me! I had a tewible week last week...
Benny: Ayaw. Triple patty lang ililibre ko sa yo
Tina: But I must not ruin my svelte figure
Benny: Svelte mo ilong mo!
Tina: Teabag mo etits mo ulol!
Benny: If only I could...
Tina: Waw, parang kadiri lang ah.

********

Tina: Na-kwento ko bang nakipag-away ako sa muslim nung Friday?
Benny: Baaaakit?
Tina: Inaway nya ako sa Saint Francis Square, inaway ko din.
Benny: Dahil?
Tina: Ummm... sa pirated cd's... kakahiyaaaa... *melted out of shame*
Benny: Bakit ka inaway? Nagnakaw ka ba?
Tina: Tarantado ka ba? At bakit ako magnanakaw ng PIRATED DVDS?! Anung rason ko para magnakaw ng PIRATED DVDS? DAMN YOU!!!!!!!
Benny: Ewan ko. Ang vague mo eh...
Benny: Bat nga?
Tina: Heeeheeeheee... alam ko kasing chismoso ka.
Benny: "Concerned" lang po.

Word.

Yez, I'm Funneh As Hell, Bitches!

First off, before I start another one of my legendary verbal diarrhea, I just wanna say I'm feeling a wee bit under the weather right now. Who knows, mebbe I'm finally dying. Anyways, If I sound extra whiny then you know why... must be the chicken I ate last night.

I was again, supposed to publish an entirely different post today pero nadiskaril ang plano ko when I was idly checking out my Technorati profile or whatever you wanna call it. That's actually great news for you guys kasi, I was originally planning on boring you shitless with one of my rare senti blog-a-thon moments. Good call, McRey.

You see kids, My "lovely little blog" made it to McRey's Top 5 Hilarious Blogs. I'm assuming that his heart was captivated by my Pork en Chop Chronicles.

A few kind words from The Marijuana Den:

"... 3. The Mundane Side of the Road - "Expounding On The Mediocre Since 2006" basahin niyo na lang...tag line pa lang pamatay na. Ultimo everyday conversation eh nosebleed english pa... Witty and Bitchy. Funny! Nyahahaha... Oras na basahin, tatawa ka na lang ng walang dahilan - ganyan kalakas ang powers ni Tina."

Touching, isn't it? Thanks man, that really means a lot! Now, I think he was participating in a contest *coughBadoodlescough*, where you're supposed to nominate your choices of humorous blogs and I really want to show McRey some love cuz not only does he read my shitty blog and even gave me an award for it not too long ago, he actually finds me funny so that's saying a lot.

But I realized something as I was browsing through my blogroll, konti lang pala ang komedyante sa listahan ko and I was only able to come up with three funneh blogsites. I'm hoping this guy won't disqualify my votes, cuz I'll be disappointed and I'm sick and shit too *beautiful eyes*

I heard that you can actually nominate yourself but I plan not to cuz I feel out of sorts right now (Whuuut?) Anyhoo, here's my top 3:

Top 3 Funneh Blog

Marijuana Den
The Badly Written Sitcom
Ayanstein's Laboratory

If you guys wanna participate just like I did, check out the contest details Up My Ass

Meanwhile, I'll try not to die before this day ends.

Stranded and Getting Punched in the Schnoz

Last Friday was definitely as fun as it was oddly surprising. The night started innocently enough, We celebrated Rhae's birthday with a chocolate cake and was supposed to be homebound by 11:00 PM. Well, someone had a bright idea: Why don't we go to Tagaytay after the pseudo-party? We did. Bad Idea.

Fast-forward, We were half-way to Tagaytay around 2:00 in the morning, happily chatting about ghost and the dim possibility of getting stranded on the road when the unthinkable actually happened.

On the darkest, scariest part of the road, our car wheezed a couple of times, stalled, and went totally silent. Rhae and Hannah, both having third-eyes, began to nervously giggle and squirmed in their seats while I, on the other hand, was half-dozing in the backseat. I woke up with a start, put two and two together in the dark and thought of lots of possibilities


You see, not only is this the first time in many, many years I went out on a road trip but also the first time I experienced being marooned in the middle of nowhere, in the dead of the night. Simply put, I was mildly alarmed. My only consolation was we've got our mobile phones, I have my stun gun (yes, I do carry around a stun gun, folks) and even a ZTE broadband phone (which later, proved to be useless since everyone we tried calling up was asleep)

There were only 4 of us, John the designated driver, yours truly, Rhae the birthday celebrant and Hannah. 3 girls and 1 boy. We got out of the car, tried our damnedest to figure out what the fuck's going on, realized nobody knows a thing about car trouble and tried to ask help from cars that were passing us by (which were almost nonexistent). We gave up after 30 minutes, calmed our frazzled nerves and figure out a plan.

One shinning moment, somebody stirred in a nearby house and we begged that he take a look at the engine. Thankfully the guy knows a thing or two about car trouble, he tweaked, prodded here and there, and came into the conclusion that we ran out of oil. Exasperated, John laid out a plan: Hitch a ride, head to a nearby petrol station, get oil. While us girls, go inside the car, lock the doors and windows, be extra-vigilant and wait it out. He scored a ride pretty soon and we were left twiddling our thumbs.

As soon as he was gone, we got out of the car and checked the damn engine ourselves and tried several times to start up it up. Alas, the car was so far gone and we gave up. 40 minutes later, John came back with a couple liters of oil. We were about to do our respective victory dances but after we filled the car with oil, the car still won't start. Tried several times but it. Just. Won't Start. Now we got frustrated, I headed in the backseat, got comfortable and tried catch a snooze figuring we'd be stuck well until the daylight comes.

Amazingly our salvation came an hour later, a cab driver helped us out, checked the engine, found out our trouble was caused by a busted Timing Belt. We had no choice but to be pulled back to Manila. Arrived in Ortigas at around 6 fucking AM. The end. As nerve-wracking as the situation was, we actually had fun. Strangely, it was quite nice to be put in unfamiliar situations like this once in a while.

On a lighter and totally unrelated subject, me and my sister got into a friendly little scuffle last night. She "accidentally" punched me square in the schnoz. It was actually hard enough to make my eyes water. I rolled around the bed while yelling "Not the schnoz! Not the schnoz!!! " then when she tried to check my nose, I "accidentally" smacked her on the head... Oh, good times!

Breaking The Monotony

Warming up for a new entry. Taena, I've never written anything for a long time na ah. To break the monotony, check this out! It's a hilarious video on how Spiderman 3 should've ended. Hahaha! Enjoy!

The ending is better, no?