The Boys and Their Broken Nuts

The Pain! The Pain! Oh God, It Buuuuuurrrrnnnsss!!!!!!

One of the things that makes me glad I was not born a man is that I'm spared of going through life with a pair of nut sacks hanging out between my legs, as a part of my anatomy. Now, I don't mean to offend but I heard how sensitive this particular part of the male species as it is, I can't be bothered with the kind of pain when it gets y'know... smashed. I heard it hurts like a bitch.

Honestly though, nothing reduces me to seemingly unending fits giggles like the sight of a man getting his balls randomly kicked, smacked or smashed. There's something royally humorous at the sight of a man, clutching his nuts while howling in agonizing pain that makes me collapse in oceans and oceans of laughter.

I've seen videos but I've yet to see one live and my reactions are always the same. Either I laugh like a psychopath or go "Oooohhhh.... that must've hurt! Look at the way he tearfully quivers while on bended-knee!" ... then laugh gleefully like a psychopath. Now again, dearies, I don't mean to offend, it's just that I can't quite imagine how that must've felt. Hey, I'm being honest here, I'm sorry!

I have a rather funny story to tell.

Turns out, a couple of my male friends had their family jewels bonked at some point in their lives, lets name them Schbenny and Schpetey.

Last night, I have them talking about exactly how painful is it when the male nether regions accidentally gets squashed. What is the exact degree of the Ouch Factor? Is the pain like the way when you stupidly hit your shin? Or when you accidentally bump your head against... I don't know, a table? Oh the questions! So many!

Schbenny said he bonked his nuts while playing touch ball. HE was supposed to catch this ball and well, his family jewels beat him to it. I asked if the pain was so bad he was driven to his knees, clutching his nuts and crying out in total, blinding pain. Kinda like this:

Holy Mother of Jesus, No more! No more!!!!

He said that he's not sure. He can't tell cuz he was too busy clutching his balls, fearing no woman would ever bear him a son while simultaneously catching glimpses of his yet-to-be-born sons' faces... well, that or he was too busy gnashing his teeth and writhing on the ground in y'know, blinding pain.

By then I couldn't really hear him cuz I was laughing like a hyena. Frankly, I was positive that my asthma was gonna kick in, I was laughing that hard. They gave me this weird look. Then they told me I'm a sadistic piece of shit.

Schpetey on the other hand, got his balls bruised when his Tae Kwon Do sparring partner accidentally kicked him... in the nuts. I know, right? He said he was sure to be driven down on his knees but his instructor had half the mind to assist him, making him take little jumps or something.

Anyways, from what little I gathered (I was too busy doubling-over with laughter) the pain is far worst that a simple bonk on the shin. And that the pain travels from the groin area then "creeps up" to the stomach area. And stays there (accusingly) for a while to remind you that all your baby batter wrigglers are dead as a door nail. Dead, dead, dead. You'll also momentarily lose the ability to speak. Plus, even breathing hurts. Now I feel bad about it. A little. And yet, I still find it funneh! What's wrong with me?!

Know what I did? I curled up on my side like a baby, wiggling my legs around, bit my right hand and did my best Abangan ang Susunod Na Kabanata: The Tengco Family Hand Sign, while whimpered something incoherent cuz I was simulating a man... with crushed nuts. Crushed Nuts and broken dreams.

I'm sooo going to hell for this, I just know it.